False Impressions

False Impressions

The ringing of the phone startled him awake. Turning over with a heavy sigh he rose up from

the bed and walked over to the dresser where the phone lay.

 “Hello” he said sleepily as he flipped the phone open. “John, are you awake yet ? ”

 The gruff voice on the other side of the phone said.

 “I want you to be there early and wear that nice grey suit I gave you, okay ? ”

“This is the big day, I don't want you to be late. Now get moving and I will meet you in the lobby

okay? ”

“Yes, I will be there on time” he said. He closed the phone and started to go back to bed when

the phone rang again. He looked at it angrily and picked it up again.

 “ Hello” he said. “John, I'm just calling to make sure you are getting ready son.” It was his mother,

Now she is worried about me huh? He thought to himself.

  “I'm getting ready, mom.” he said, trying to sound as sincere as he

could. “Okay John, I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you, don't worry, everything

will be fine.” Yes thats what they keep telling me. “Okay mom, I need to go get ready. ” He laid down

the phone and walked into the bathroom.

The hot water felt good as it hit his body, he felt good in a different way at least for a little

while. I should have known better. I could have walked away from her, I could have said, no I can't

give you a ride. If I had just done that. If I could just do it all over again, he thought. He dressed

quickly, and made all the adjustments that he thought would make him look good... False

impressions, he thought to himself. Make people believe that you are actually human, put on your

disguise.

He looked at himself in the mirror, combing his hair, “Well I guess now I look like a

normal person, as normal as can be” he said to the young man looking back at him.

No one really knows what happened ... why I did what I did, they could not understand what I did,

John thought. All they say or could say is that I had done it...crossed the line... where you can

never come back from and now, I can't make it all go away by saying I'm sorry.

As he walked out his apartment he ran into Mrs. Anderson, the lady who lived down the hall.

“Good morning John” she said. “Good morning Mrs. Anderson” he said as he went past her. “My

 you look very nice today John, Something special going on today? ” she asked.

“No Mrs. Anderson, I have an interview for a job so I have to look good” he answered. “Well, good

luck John.” she answered, as he went out the front door of the building slowly walking to the bus

stop.

John thought about his father. Where was he when I needed him to teach me the difference

between right and wrong. He could have explained that there are boundaries in life and when you go

outside the boundaries you face the consequences of your actions.

The cell phone rang as he sat waiting for the bus, “Hello” he said into the receiver.

“I'm on my way” he answered. “Are you sure everything is in place ? ” He asked with a slight quiver

in his voice. “Thats easy for you to say, your future isn't on the line, you aren't facing the reality of

where I am,” John uttered as he hung up the phone. You aren't the one who will be evaluated, you

aren't the one who will have to deal with the repercussions for the rest of your life.

As he sat on the bus he thought, I know that the things I did were wrong. He turned and looked

around and saw the pretty girl sitting across the isle smile at him. And he thought why not? He looked

good in the new suit, he looked like a normal young man. John's thoughts went back to the past when

he was a child. I need a a way to forget the childhood experiences, all the bad memories of being left

n the room with the Pastor. All the lonely sleepless nights with his cousin, who would make him do

vile nasty things with out batting an eye or hearing his whimpers, these things would define him.

If the things that were done to him were wrong and if it made someone else feel good by their

actions, then why was it wrong for him to feel good. No one has the answers for these questions. I

always end my thoughts with these damn questions, thought John.

The chatter of the other riders brought him out of his secret world. He turned and looked at the

girl and she was still looking at him so he smiled back at her. Not this time, he thought. As the bus

pulled over to the curb he rose from his seat and stepped out into the street. There was the building, it

looked huge, it was a monolith, a glass palace of people coming in and out all in their own worlds.

Who really knows what all these people are hiding, are they normal ? Men in suits, most were either light gray or dark blue, ladies in bright skirts or suit pants all looking very normal.

John walked up the double door and opened it, he walked in and the sight of the security guards

scared him. “Hello sir” the security said to him, “would you empty your pockets sir? ” John gave him

blank stare like he didn't understand what he wanted and then said, “ I don't have anything in my

pockets.” He walked through the scanner and then started looking for the closest elevator. I am the

victim, I am not the monster, I am not the criminal, he thought. The elevator opened and the people

walked out and then he proceeded to get in alone. “That girl didn't tell me how old she was, I didn't

know I was supposed to ask.” he said talking out loud to himself. Dammit, now I would be labeled,

now I will be tracked and constantly hounded. Looked at as an oddity of nature, a creature from hell.

The bell rang and he stepped out into a small group of people and then he saw Seymour, his

lawyer. I can't tell nobody about these things going through my mind, because I am afraid of exactly

what has happened, it is my fault, John thought. I am a sexual offender. “Hey John... you look good

 

my man.” Seymour said. “Are you ready to face the judge”? John looked at him and wondered, Why

 

 is this guy smiling? “Yeah,” he answered. 'You sure I will get probation?” John asked. “Don't worry

John, the fix is in,” He said while laughing. “You will plead guilty to sex with a minor and the judge

will give you probation, look John, I got you off easy it could have been worse, but you have to stay

out of trouble and follow the rules.

Lets go into the court now and get this over with.”